DAYTON, Ohio — "Dogs, grandparents and stuffed animals" are the most common responses I hear from young children when asked a very simple but important question, "Who do you talk to when you have a problem?"
The importance of grandparents is understandable, but why would kids choose a stuffed animal or family pet rather talking with a parent? Here are seven things that parents can learn from pets, grandparents and stuffed animals.
1. Don't talk so much. Sometimes young kids just need to talk, and simply to say out loud their many confusing and conflicting thoughts and feelings. They don't really know what they think or feel. They just need a friendly presence to listen.
Young children talk like the rest of us. They say contradictory things, change the subject or express feelings that seem rather extreme or inappropriate. What they need is someone to be there as they try to figure out their confusing worlds.
Kids really feel this presence from their grandparents, a warm sense of love and acceptance without all the interruptions, corrections and overreactions they get from their parents.
2. Make time to communicate. Young children are not always good at communicating on adult schedules. It's important to respond to young kids when they want to talk. Parents report this is typically at bed or bath time, or when kids have returned from some event, such as right after preschool or playing with a friend.
Dogs are really good at this. Kids report their pets are always there for them, and never say "we'll talk later."
3. Understand the real reasons why kids want to talk. Young children sometimes just want to express what they are thinking. They don't need you to fix some problem or overreact to some situation. Act like a stuffed animal, just listen and don't say anything!
4. Know when to stop. Young kids are really cute about the way they talk. I'll be chatting about some intense issue like divorce or death with a 6-year-old, and she'll change the subject to something else. I'll want to continue the conversation and try to help out in some way, but I've learned that you need to follow the lead of young kids. When they are done talking, they are really done. Pressuring children doesn't work and decreases the likelihood they will speak with you in the future.
5. Use active listening techniques. Rather than talk so much, young kids respond very well to open-ended questions such as "What do you mean?" or "Tell me more about that." It's also helpful to briefly summarize the main idea or feeling as way to let your children know that you really understood what they were saying. "Sounds like lots of things didn't go so well for you today..."
6. Encourage but don't pressure kids to talk. Here's where grandparents really excel. They understand that young children communicate by their behavior. Parents know this as well, but grandparents do a better job of conveying a warm and inviting presence without pressure. Young children hear the message that "I'm here to listen if you want to talk." Kids feel interest and love, rather than the pressure they sense from their parents.
7. Be very mindful of how you end the conversation. Kids remember how conversations begin and end. Regardless of what was said, praise your young children for communicating their thoughts. If the conversation requires some follow up actions, be sure to get back to your child within the day. Humor or hugs can be a great way to end the discussion on a positive note.
Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at The Children's Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit the Dayton Children's Web site at www.childrensdayton.org and sign up for FamilyWise, a free e-newsletter for parents. Send comments to Ramey at rameyg AT childrensdayton.org. This article appeared in the Dayton Daily News.