DAYTON, Ohio — I was recently contacted by a former client, and initially I was apprehensive about hearing from her. I worked with Sarah when she was a little girl, and I knew she would likely experience a lifetime of problems.
Sarah had been sexually abused for more than three years by an uncle and lived with an alcoholic mom and her endless number of live-in boyfriends.
Sarah was now a successful businesswoman who had a wonderful husband and three children. She graduated from college and had somehow avoided most of the problems that would have been expected from such a horrendous family life.
Her experiences are not unusual. Somehow, many kids do survive awful childhoods. How do they do it?
1. Connect with someone. Sarah had a worthless and rejecting mom. However, throughout her childhood, Sarah sought out and connected with other people who were supportive, loving and encouraging. Given the way her uncle manipulated her, Sarah probably should have been more suspicious about any friendly adult. However, Sarah didn't allow bad experiences with one person to generalize into fearfulness about all relationships.
2. Don't allow yourself to be a victim. Sarah had lots of good reasons to blame others for whatever problems she might have as an adult. Her mom provided no supervision or moral guidance. Sarah had no reliable and loving male authority figure in her life. Her uncle used her as his sexual toy for more than three years, abusing her in unspeakable sexual acts.
In her later adolescence, Sarah made a deliberate and thoughtful decision. She decided not to constantly relive her abusive past, but rather focus on taking control of her life and live in the present. She never allowed herself to be defined as a victim.
3. Excel in something. Sarah was a bright girl who did well in school. Perhaps it was a bit of a retreat for her, a place where she received recognition from caring teachers and other good students. These positive messages helped define Sarah's personality. She recognized that she did, indeed, have many strengths and could use those skills to escape her terrible past.
4. Don't focus on your past. I treated Sarah in therapy for more than two years. During that time, we talked a great deal about her experiences with her uncle and her family. However, I cautioned Sarah that it would be a mistake to constantly focus on those events.
Kids survive bad childhoods by neither denying the awful stuff that happened to them, nor focusing on it extensively as a way to excuse their own subsequent problems.
5. Help others. From the time she was in high school, Sarah volunteered with various organizations. She tutored younger students in school, and participated in community and school projects.
I think Sarah was very thankful for the many efforts of others and she truly wanted to help other youngsters. These volunteer activities also relieved Sarah's sense of isolation, assisting her in connecting with other people who were trying to survive tough situations.
6. Be persistent. Life was not easy for Sarah. Her sexual abuse left her very apprehensive about romantic relations and confused about her sexual identity. Working nearly full time, it took her almost seven years to get her college degree. Sarah was unrelenting, continuing to strive in face of failures and disappointments.
7. Stay positive. At the end of therapy, Sarah wrote me a long poem thanking me for helping her. I felt my role was very minor, but Sarah was so positive and appreciative of things that others take for granted.
Positive people celebrate today rather than lament yesterday. They find joy in a warm smile, a gentle hug and a kind word.
It's really sad that any child experiences a dreadful childhood. However, a bad past doesn't condemn you to a terrible future. With persistence and positive thoughts, you can take control of your life.
Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a children's psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at Children's Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit the Dayton Children's Web site at www.childrensdayton.org and sign up for FamilyWise, a free e-newsletter for parents. Send comments to Ramey at rameyg AT childrensdayton.org.