AUSTIN, Texas — Why am I so pumped that Lance Armstrong has decided to come out of retirement and start pedaling again in the Tour de France?
It means it'll get him the heck out of Austin in the summer so he'll stop spending so much time watering his darned lawn. It's just not healthy for a grown man to spend so much time standing around in the yard clutching his garden hose.
See, in June, Armstrong used more water at his home than any other individual in town. Lance used 222,900 gallons of water at his house. Meanwhile, singer-songwriter Jerry Jeff Walker came in a disappointing 10th with a paltry 135,400 gallons of water. Back in the day, Jerry Jeff drank more gallons of tequila than that in a month.
Not only was Lance No. 1 for years in bicycle racing, he was also briefly top dog in lawn watering. I don't think that's how he wants to go down in the history books. So it's great he's climbing back on his bicycle seat.
OK, I know what you're saying: "Kelso, you're an idiot. Lance wasn't even in town while all this watering was going on. A rich guy like Lance has `people' to water his lawn for him."
Well, no kidding, Mister Thinks He Knows Everything. This observation of yours makes you a bona fide member of John Kelso's Joke Busters Club. This club consists of a group of grumps who go around punching holes in punch lines that don't quite hold up to the standard of 100 percent accuracy. Send me your address and I'll send you a membership card.
Lance's June water bill was $1,630.23, according to the Austin Water Utility. So one downside to Lance going back to competing is it will bring the Austin economy to its knees. With the amount of money lost from Lance not watering, we'll have to close a couple of libraries and fire some cops.
The upside of Lance climbing back on his bike is that it'll make the French nervous. In fact, it already has. Upon hearing that Lance is planning a comeback, Tour de France director Christian Prudhomme warned that the drug rules for the Tour de France "are much more strict than they were before" and that Lance will have to watch the funny business.
Translated, what this means is the French don't want Armstrong back because the Tour de France is their Super Bowl, and they get sick of an American kicking their fannies.
To heck with the French. We here in Austin are elated that Lance is making a comeback. For one thing, Armstrong getting back into the Tour will mean an increase of Lance wannabes who will drag their old Spandex britches out of the closet and ride around town in clumps of 10 to 30 bicycles, making the morning rush hour even more of an adventure.
John Kelso writes for the Austin American-Statesman. E-mail: jkelso AT statesman.com