LONGVIEW, Texas — Not much to report here in the dog days, which started far too early. Jeez, it's been dejectedly hot. An unexpected thunderstorm last Monday lingered for several hours, prompting prayers of gratitude from anyone with a lick of sense, including me. It was a brief respite from a few weeks spent pretending we lived in the Sahara.
The tomato war continues with my neighbor. Last year I was battling the squirrels raiding bird feeders. Call that one a draw. This year I am determined to outpace my retired neighbor in the tomato-growing department. I like my chances.
To recap, he planted a couple of seedlings near his satellite dish, which is near the fence boundary dividing the back yards in our old neighborhood near downtown. He also planted a few in pots about 50 feet north, near his garage. I responded by planting three plants on his fence line, on a narrow strip of grass bordered by my driveway. One died. Happily, at least for me, his sprinkler system waters the two remaining plants, which get blazing sun magnified by the concrete.
Lots of water and sunshine make for kick-bootie tomato plants. As of this evening, my plants top six feet in height. I just went out and measured them. His plants top out at perhaps 42 inches. I have one cherry tomato plant, and the other sports some big, honking tomatoes. The cherry tomatoes are ripening daily. The large versions are hanging on, perhaps a week or so away from picking. The two plants are entwined like hormone-ridden teenagers and reach skyward as well.
My neighbor and I spend an inordinate amount of time discussing our tomato crops. He points out he doesn't have a job anymore and plenty of time to mull such matters. I am just looking for any diversion from worrying about economic collapse, health insurance reform, whether the Red Sox will swoon in July and other weighty matters.
I guess that's how we came up with the blindfolded taste test. At first we decided to wager on who could grow the biggest tomato the quickest, but it was clear I had an advantage — mainly his sprinkler water and the chemical runoff from him fertilizing his yard roughly every 72 hours. So we decided to enlist our better halves — his wife, my fiance — in a blind taste test to determine who grew the tastier tomato.
His wife gamely went out and purchased a blue ribbon for first place, red for second. Even with second place this will be my first ribbon for gardening prowess. We originally planned the test for July 4, but the tomatoes did not cooperate. More likely, the test will take place about mid-July. I'll keep you posted about results, unless I lose. Then you may not hear another word about tomatoes until next spring. That's the joy of owning — if not the press — access to what goes in the paper. My neighbor can buy an ad if he wants to crow about his victory.
My old math teacher, C.C. Turner, was kind enough to bring me a sack of tomatoes a few weeks ago. C-Squared, as we called him back in the day, is 94 years and looks two decades younger. He grows tomatoes the size of junior cantaloupes. Mr. Turner remembers me as a good student, and I'm loath to disabuse him of the memory. He was a great math teacher. I was a reluctant student not interested in trigonometry, so I barely got through.
I took the largest of C-Squared's tomatoes — which no kidding was about the size of a softball in pregnancy, about to bear Siamese twins — and put it into the tangle of my stalks, which are tied to my neighbor's fence with yellow string. I waited on the back porch until my neighbor came outside, and called him over.
"Look at this tomato that's come up," I exclaimed.
I fooled him for no more than three seconds, but it was a darned glorious three seconds. My neighbor is no dummy and quickly realized the monster tomato wasn't technically attached to a plant. But he also was amazed by its size. I explained the provenance.
We both concluded we were way over our heads when it comes to growing tomatoes. But I plan to win the taste test and get that blue ribbon.
Even if I have to bribe the judges.
Gary Borders is publisher of the Longview News-Journal. E-mail: gborders(at)coxlnj.com