WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — Trying to condense her dad's colorful life into a few paragraphs when he died unexpectedly at a young 73 gave Susan Soper an all-too-keen awareness of the difficulty, if not impossibility of the task.
She got the call at 1:30 a.m. and had only a few hours to write her beloved father's obituary while trying to contact her siblings (one was on vacation in a remote location) and simultaneously packing for an early-morning, six-hour drive to help with funeral arrangements.
As a former journalist, Soper actually had an advantage as she struggled to recall specific dates and facts for the required notice. Even so, she feels she did the job "on the fly."
In the aftermath, partially to deal with the grief of her dad's untimely death, Soper became a bit obsessed with reading obituaries wherever she happened to be. And she made some surprising discoveries.
"I am always amazed by what I learn about people I thought I knew when I read their death notices in the paper," she said. "For instance, I never knew my best friend's mother was a biology major in 1935."
Soper eventually came to believe that because each person's life is a treasure, it shouldn't be committed to a shoebox or someone else's memory. That belief in turn spurred her to create ObitKit, a quick and sensible (but sensitive) guide to help anyone personalize their obituary.
"Boomers are such control freaks," said Soper, the director of marketing and communications at Olgethorpe University in Atlanta (where she's class of '69). "We want to control everything, not just till the end of our lives, but beyond. And by overseeing that final resume, we can make sure it's accurate and thorough."
Since it's hard to anticipate what it is you want to know, Soper tried to make the questions in ObitKit comprehensive, covering not just the markers of a person's life, but also the personal, intimate things.
Even so, the book doesn't require you to actually write your obit: ObitKit's friendly, fill-in-the-blank process just prompts you to supply the right information for those who'll do the writing when the time comes. The questions ensure that plenty of quirky, individual details will be at your family's fingertips when needed.
Many require perspective only you possess:
— Any regrets or roads not taken?
— What was your favorite job?
— Any lessons learned from a favorite mentor?
— Happiest trips and the circumstances.
— Favorite things about yourself.
Space is also provided for details about education, job history and family members, along with practical matters concerning such things as organ donation, insurance policies, the location of the safety deposit key and passwords for the computer.
All too often, people postpone thinking about their death until a health scare, but Soper, whose work history includes jobs at Newsday, CNN and The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, hopes her book will change that.
"The best time to fill out the ObitKit is when you are really living your life, feeling good, working hard — playing too — when the idea of an obituary is the last thing on your mind," she writes. If you wait until you're ill, the work could take on a gloomy tone and your life wouldn't be represented in as upbeat a way as it deserves.
Soper even pictures how fun the process might be with girlfriends and a glass of wine, "away from the pressures and interruptions of life, having conversations about what's been meaningful in your life." A group process adds layers, she said, "because it's not just your perspective, but also those of people who are close to you."
Just as 20 years ago there were no wedding planners, Soper believes that in 20 years, funeral planning will be an industry.
"Funerals are already being produced," she said, "with soloists, personalized music, booklets, you name it." From the Beatles to the Episcopal hymnal, anything goes.
Since uncertainty about the deceased person's wishes can add to sadness, Soper favors planning.
"It's not in bad taste," she stressed. "We all have to prepare for this. It's the one universal thing we share. We're all going to die. Hopefully later rather than sooner, but why not be prepared the same way we prepare for college or marriage or raising kids? Sometime the stigma has to come off, and I think that's happening with us Boomers."
Anne Rodgers writes for The Palm Beach Post. E-mail: anne(underscore)rodgers(at)pbpost.com.