WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — Tina Fey, start training.
It's time for The Thrilla in Wasilla.
The Runna in the Tundra.
The Rusha Till You Can See Russia.
Sarah Palin recently lost a race Barack Obama, you probably heard, and you betcha that makes her hotter than anything Fey joked about. Hot enough to have the audacity to hope for a rematch. Hot enough to go rogue about the ground rules.
In the August issue of Runner's World,the outgoing governor of Alaska and former vice presidential candidate says when it comes to goin' long distance, she can run rings around the guy in the Oval Office.
"I betcha I'd have more endurance," says Palin, who is quitting her day job and will have more time to train. "... So if it were a long race that required a lot of endurance, I'd win."
Palin goes on to say "my one claim to fame in my own little internal running circle" is that she finished a 2005 marathon in Anchorage in 3:59:36, a time infinitely more respectable than the name of the event in which it occurred:
The Humpy's Marathon.
Obama, meanwhile, has listened to Joe Biden talk and talk and talk, thereby passing the ultimate test of endurance.
Finding this race too close to call, we sought expert analyst Bill Rodgers, who, while he never won any political race, did rule the Boston and New York City marathons four times apiece. Plus, he ran with President Clinton a couple of times, and everybody knows running around with Clinton ... uh, never mind.
"President Obama smokes a little bit, so that will hurt him," says Rodgers, a smoker himself ages ago. "But he also is pretty active. His weight is down, he plays basketball a bit, he looks pretty fit. Of course, Governor Palin was a basketball star I guess in her high school days and she still looks pretty thin and seems to be an active person."
So?
"I would have to go with President Obama."
OK, one vote for Obama, even though a four-hour marathoner vs. a part-time smoker has the earmark of a landslide waiting to happen. Anyone think the maverick can take him? Yes, she can, says Sonja Friend-Uhl, winner of the 2007 Marathon of the Palm Beaches.
My bet is anything 10K or over, she'd win," Friend-Uhl says, partly because she's a she. Studies have shown that women's bodies handle endurance events more efficiently than men's.
Other considerations?
Palin's dad coached track.
Obama's dad was Kenyan.
Palin named her first child Track.
Obama is still listening to Biden.
Meanwhile, Palin has something to say. "I feel so crappy," she says, referring to whenever she goes a few days without running. In her interview, Palin also describes a tug-of-war with the John McCain people when they failed to allot time for her to run during the campaign.
"Sweat is my sanity," she says, although sweat and sanity appear to be lacking for those who run when it's 30 below outside, which Palin says she does.
A couple of days before her debate with Biden, she fell while running down a hill, cutting her right hand and making handshaking painful. The reason you didn't know that is the reason they call it the Secret Service.
Palin isn't into running mates, preferring to go solo while listening to Van Halen and AC/DC, then country, then finishing with Amy Grant.
"I think it'd be in the opposite direction," Friend-Uhl says. "Start easy while warming up, finish with the fast, hard music. Whatever works for her."
In her marathon, Palin finished an hour ahead of a woman named "Sarah Obma."
Informed that Palin broke four hours in her marathon, Rodgers nearly flip-flops.
"Maybe it would be a tie, then," he says.
Just what we need.
The Race to Nowhere.
Hal Habib writes for The Palm Beach Post. E-mail: hal(underscore)habib(at)pbpost.com.