Leave it to Jerry Bruckheimer to turn a cute kiddie movie into a brain-throbbing spectacle that makes more noise than sense. "G-Force," a 3-D adventure about a squad of ?ber-gifted guinea pigs aspiring to become super agents, starts with some stylish finesse and small laughs before degenerating into smash-em' giant-robot mayhem worthy of a wannabe "Transformers." It's sort of like your neighbor's child who starts the evening charming and adorable, then gets cranky and throws toys at your head.
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That said, the movie, which seamlessly melds live action and silkily animated piggies, is not an ordeal. It's crunchy and clangorous, but, abetted by smart voice work by an all-star cast — Sam Rockwell, Penelope Cruz, Nicolas Cage, Tracy Morgan, Steve Buscemi — it's also about all you'd expect from a family-targeted movie about hip, wise-cracking fluff balls that display more eye-popping agility than Bourne and Bond combined.
Still, I'm a little concerned for children who go see "G-Force," because what little plot exists is all but indecipherable behind the critter cut-ups. An hour into the movie, my companion and I looked at each other with faces that said: help. Something about common household appliances transforming into terrorizing, earth-conquering monsters, an evil billionaire (Bill Nighy) and FBI agents trying to rein in the unleashed guinea pig force — all of that gets thrashed into a frenzy and the most you can do is go along for the bumpy ride.
Or not.
I tried and almost got whiplash. That's Bruckheimer for you, the mega-mogul behind such peaceful idylls as "The Rock" and "Armageddon." This is his first 3-D family film, and he doesn't quite realize that he doesn't have to show off as much for the child snack-pack crowd, that talking guinea pigs and some witty action go a long way. Instead, he and his crew overcomplicate things, narratively and visually, and it makes you feel all tangled inside. What's necessary to know is that our team of guinea pigs are the good guys who, with stunts and slapstick, try to save the world from the pernicious plot of a classic villain who has a mouth like a lizard.
There's enough cleverness for half a movie here — 90 minutes is stretching it. Best is how the set pieces faithfully mimic, even parody, action blockbusters, with the acrobatic choreography and swooshing camerawork and, of course, oceans of computer gadgetry. (I especially liked the rodent-sized gadgets and how the animals type on keyboards using all four paws, like they're playing Twister.) The 3-D effects are neat, particularly some whizzing airborne shots from the point of view of a crafty fly, but it's fairly standard stuff.
For a movie fueled by a barrage of one-liners, the writing's often lazy and stale, with a dispiriting reliance on (now-obligatory) gusts of flatulence. It taps humor from the secret lives of animals and the social hierarchy of species, but none of it crackles with the new.
Like any action picture, "G-Force" is about infiltration and escape, which takes on fresh dimensions when the characters are small and nimble. Yet small and nimble are not words with which Bruckheimer is acquainted. Desperation, not inspiration, strikes during the movie's climax, a racket of exploding machinery and high-wire daredevilry. The only thing memorable about it is the ringing in your ears.
