AUSTIN, Texas — Howdy, folks. Let me start out today's town meeting by saying thanks for coming, and it's just great to see so many smilin' faces out here in the audience.
Today we'll be talking about national health insurance.
Before we get too far along here, let me just say I've come up with a workable solution to these comedians who attend these meetings and start yelling to drown out the speaker.
You've seen these shouting matches that have been erupting across the country at meetings just like this one, right? I'm thinking we can rest insured — whoops, Freudian slip, make that rest assured — that none of that sort of monkey business is going to come out of you fine folks. This is America, where everybody gets his say, right?
Which makes me wonder, friends and neighbors: If Joe Schmo attends one of these meetings and gets shouted down, and he knuckle-sandwiches the guy, is the guy who got popped covered by his HMO or his PPO? And what's the co-pay on that?
So, moving right along here — as your town meeting coordinator, here's my cure for the shouters.
You know how Austin cops go to bars to check volume levels of bands to make sure the horn section isn't violating the city's noise ordinance?
Why not hang decibel meters on the shouters, and whup a mouthin'-off tax on 'em when they go over the limit?
Hey, you in the back row — put a sock in it. I should of known some of you boneheads would start belly-aching as soon as I got to that decibel meter suggestion.
Excuse me, sir. That's right, you, the gentleman in the Lone Star flag shirt poking his finger on the other guy's chest. Cool it. You'll give yourself a pre-existing condition.
Now, I'll admit I'm no expert on health insurance. I do know that whenever the subject comes up, there's a contingent of angry yappers who start using the dreaded "S" word. Socialism? That road you drove on to get here: You pooled your tax money to build it. So, if you're using it, you're flirtin' with it.
Heck, Girl Scout cookies — there's another one. Those Girl Scouts aren't just pocketing the money like capitalists. Have you checked out those May Day-lookin' marchin' uniforms?
Hey, you, the lady with the fierce face wearing the "Lloyd Doggett is Joseph Stalin's brother in-law" T-shirt: Get over it. Your mama didn't tell you it's good form to show up in public and start bellowing. Sure, lady, you're free to "pound down all the Thin Mints I want."
OK, OK, lady, I hear you. I should "go read the Constitution." I'll go read it, if you promise to shut up.
John Kelso writes for the Austin American-Statesman. E-mail: jkelso(at)statesman.com.