AUSTIN, Texas — When I think of Tom DeLay, the word "ballroom" doesn't leap into my mind.
The guy just doesn't strike me as a dancing fool. He probably gets the terminology mixed up with dentistry. You know, flossie flossie one, flossie flossie two.
Oh sure, politicians just like anybody else are capable of enjoying normal entertainment activities, like hunting and hiking and hiring hookers. And text-messaging by loafer in an airport men's room.
But Tom DeLay on "Dancing with the Stars"? That's stretching reality.
Next month, the Republican former U.S. House majority leader will help ABC's dance show kick off its ninth season when the warm and cuddly DeLay hoofs his way into your hearts.
DeLay's dance routine will lead to lib protest chants like this one: "Hey hey, Tom DeLay, how many toes did you crush today?"
Can you think of anyone more awkward for "Dancing With the Stars"? OK, so Hillary Clinton. Ain't nobody gonna call her Diddy any time soon.
On the other hand, since DeLay is a Texan from Sugar Land, and the Cotton-Eyed Joe is a Texas dance famous for use of a certain description for cow droppings, let's just change DeLay's name to something more dance-appropriate for the show: Cotton-Eyed Tom.
This shoe leather gig could present a challenge for Cotton-Eyed Tom, who was indicted on money-laundering charges. Which means he could have got stuck dancing with a ball and chain. (As opposed to dancing with the old ball and chain.)
Ever tried to do the mashed potato while wearing a money belt and carrying around all those big fat checks? No easy task, friends and neighbors. That's a lot of stuff to trip over when you're trying to fox trot.
I sure hope ABC convinces DeLay to take a few turns with former Travis County D.A. Ronnie Earle. Seems like an obvious dance card pairing.
Talk about a Texas two-step, as in Step 1: Earle tries to nail him, and Step 2: Cotton-Eyed Tom gets a great attorney and dances right on outta here.
In a situation like this, who leads? This could be the first dance contest ever that begins with, "All rise."
This is not the first time "Dancing With the Stars" looks like it should change its name to "Dancing Behind Bars." Rapper Lil' Kim, who made it onto the show, did 10 months in prison.
But it should be one heckuva arts evening, especially if the network has DeLay jitterbug with Nancy Pelosi. Who needs Xtreme Fighting when you've got the kind of fireworks those two kids would set off if they went cheek to cheek?
So come on, everybody, let's do the loco-motion.
John Kelso writes for the Austin American-Statesman. E-mail: jkelso(at)statesman.com.