LONGVIEW, Texas — I have a new friend. Her name is Gretel. She is a tiny thing, about the size of a fat wallet.
But she's a talker, Gretel is. At times I have to mute her and just rely on visual communication, because I get annoyed with her chatter. Gretel can be a bit bossy at times, but she is pretty darned knowledgeable. At $100, I consider her to be quite a bargain.
Gretel is the moniker I've laid upon my new Global Positioning System device, known by most folks by the acronym GPS. She leaves electronic breadcrumbs that guide me to my destination. A GPS tells you how to get from one point to another, with a moving map and a computer-generated voice ordering you about. "Turn right in .9 miles." Etc.
I have long resisted buying one of these gadgets. I scoffed at both of my brothers, who have sworn by Gretel's siblings for years. I don't need such foolishness to find my way around the world, I said. For years, I've used online mapping sites to find hotels or headquarters in big cities. Needless to say, I don't need a GPS to get around Longview.
Then I got lost outside of Dallas, as I recounted a while back. I mean, really lost. It was dark. I was in a suburban wasteland of strip malls, hotels and office buildings, where everything looked the same. It took me 90 minutes to find my hotel, though I was never more than a few miles away. It was incredibly frustrating and likely took at least three days off my life, not to mention I exhausted my entire vocabulary of cusswords at least twice.
Well, that episode broke my resolve. I waited until there was a sale at the Big Box Electronics Store and bought the least expensive GPS I could find.
Now I'm in love. Gretel is not perfect, but she's pretty darned close. So far she has reliably guided me through Houston to a hotel, restaurant and my daughter's new home, relieving me of reading my printed directions while driving, which isn't terribly safe. Especially when you're near-sighted.
I have to watch Gretel. She experiences lapses in judgment. For example, she wanted to send me straight through Lufkin instead of taking the loop to get back on the highway to Houston. As a former resident of that fair city, I knew better. One avoids Timberland Drive at all costs if passing through. Taking the loop is a far better option. I guess nobody is perfect, even if driven by a microchip and directed by invisible satellites in the sky.
Somehow, Gretel knows what the posted speed limit is on the highways I drive. This is crazy. How in the Sam Hill does a device that costs far less than John Edwards spent on a haircut know that the speed limit drops down to 55 mph in Goodrich, Texas? And that I'm going 62 mph and hoping the DPS troopers are dozing?
I watched as the display changed speed limits on the virtual sign as I passed from one zone into another, while also showing how fast I am going. I realize the speedometer tells me the latter, but it's nice to be able to compare one to another in one display. This ought to save me some tickets, since I invariably get caught because I didn't notice the speed limit had changed — probably because I was talking on a cell phone.
Admittedly, the GPS won't get a lot of use in Longview, where I generally know how to get where I'm going. Or, for that matter, most anywhere behind the Pine Curtain, since I've been running these roads for nearly four decades. But I can name any number of times I've been lost in Austin or Boston, looking for a certain restaurant.
My only concern is carrying around all these gadgets while on the road — my iPhone, Gretel the GPS, my digital camera, laptop and high-definition video camera. Not to mention an old-fashioned notebook and a handful of pens. It's tough keeping up in this digital world. I'm trying. Now if Gretel could help me find where I left my car keys.
Gary Borders is publisher of the Longview News-Journal. E-mail: gborders(at)longview-news.com.