LONGVIEW, Texas — I have endured a host of lost items and goofy behavior on my part lately. From experience over the years, I have learned that these events occur in cycles, and that eventually I won't spend 10 minutes each morning trying to figure out where I laid my glasses before going to bed. I just have to outlast the cycle.
The misplaced glasses always present a vicious circle. I can't see without glasses, so I have a hard time finding where I last left them before stumbling off to bed. I know. If I would consistently put them in the same place, life would be simpler. That is a habit I apparently am incapable of adopting — this despite the fact I am absolutely OCD when it comes to everything being just so in my house and office. Go figure.
The latest cycle began with the Disappearance of the Garage Door Opener. I had two — one in the car I drive most the time, the other right inside the back door of my house. That way I could point it out the back door and shut the detached garage's door. In the nearly two years I've lived here, that opener has been in the same spot, until it disappeared one day. It vanished without a trace, apparently through the same black hole that steals socks from the laundry room.
I ransacked drawers, checked the freezer, confronted the cat and even went through the garbage. No garage opener. That resulted in me locking my keys in the garage a few months ago and calling a locksmith. I still haven't gotten around to buying a second remote, in increasingly vain hopes the original will show up.
Then there was the Case of the Missing Sunglass Lens. I was driving the Mini convertible I co-own. I climbed in after work and reached for my prescription sunglasses. The right lens popped out because the screw came loose. No worries. Long-time glasses-wearers are familiar with this happening and keep spare screws and tiny screwdrivers handy. I couldn't find the lens. The convertible top and windows were up — when it is 100 degrees outside the joys of having the top down are lost on me. I figured I would find the lens when I got home, a journey of about 90 seconds.
I searched for an hour. My brother and his son showed up not long after to visit. They searched as well. I offered a $20 reward to anyone who found the lens, since replacing graduated-middle-aged-multifocal glasses is expensive. The lens was gone, the reward unclaimed. After a week I gave up and bought a new pair. I still figure the lens will show up, along with the remote, now that I've spent the money.
Then, a few days ago, I headed to Shreveport for an advisory board meeting for Red River Radio, the National Public Radio network in this area. I drove to the usual site, proud that I arrived one minute before noon, the appointed starting time. The private club where we meet has valet parking under a carport. Well, it used to. I was met with a for-sale real estate sign, no valet service, an empty parking lot and an overgrown lawn. A couple of panicked cell phone calls ensued, and soon I was headed to the new location, about five miles away. I really have to start reading my e-mails closer. That is if I can remember where I put my glasses.
I returned to the office to a voice mail urging me to call the storage unit center, where all the stuff worth keeping that won't fit in my mom's nursing home suite is stored. The lock was missing from the unit. I was there last week, moving a few boxes and a chair that no longer fit in her space. Apparently I forgot to put the lock back. I have no idea where it is and had to buy a new lock. Nothing was missing except the lock.
I figure it's hiding out with the garage door opener and my sunglasses lens. I hope they're all enjoying a good laugh at my expense.
Gary Borders is publisher of the Longview News-Journal. E-mail: gborders(at)longview-news.com.
