AUSTIN, Texas — They should have given the Nobel Peace Prize to David Letterman instead of Barack Obama. At least Dave did something.
Sure, the thing Dave did was his staff. In case you haven't heard, Letterman is in trouble with his old lady at home because he was having sex with some of his female employees on the show.
You kids in the audience, don't do that.
But Letterman did, and now he's in trouble. I hope he patches things up and keeps the show going. I hope CBS keeps him on the air for a couple of reasons.
He's the funniest man on television, and I don't want the "Late Show" to become the "late" show, if you know what I mean. Besides, I suspect he's a pretty nice guy.
Early this summer, my wife, Kay, and I were lucky enough to get into a taping of the Letterman show in New York. Letterman came out to warm up the audience. In one of the rows way up front near the stage was a guy, probably 30 years old, sitting there in a souvenir shirt he'd bought at a nearby CBS shop full of "Late Show" goodies. I bought a couple of hats. (Right now, I'm wearing the fashionable "Hello Deli" ballcap.)
Back at the theater, Letterman saw the kid (at my age, "kid" is anyone under 40), said something about how the guy shouldn't have to spend his hard-earned money on "Late Show" products, then walked out into the audience to give the kid $100 cash.
I know that $100 to Dave Letterman is pocket scraps. But it was a nice thing to do. So I figure that now that Dave's in trouble, I should give him what little support I can.
So here are the top 10 reasons CBS shouldn't take Letterman off the air, and why Letterman should have gotten the Nobel Peace Prize instead of Obama:
10. Dave came clean right off the bat. You could get a standing O at the U.N. with that speech.
9. It probably wasn't Dave having the sex anyway. It was probably somebody else. Or as Dave always points out, "Why is it always the horn section?"
8. Without Dave around, we wouldn't be able to keep up with what the squirrels in Central Park are doing with their nuts. You can't get that kind of insight out of Obama.
7. At least Dave wasn't having sex with Alan Kalter.
6. Obama may have access to world leaders. Dave has the Sneezing Monkey.
5.Obama has to talk to leaders in the Middle East to try to achieve world peace. Dave doesn't get off that easy. He has to explain all this monkey business to his wife.
4. If Dave goes, what's Rupert Jee over at the Hello Deli around the corner going to do with all those sketchy-lookin' party trays?
3. Dave has actually had more talks with Sarah Palin than Obama. Sure, most of it has been groveling, but what the heck.
2. Obama doesn't throw stuff off the White House roof to watch it splatter.
1. Without Dave, how are we going to keep up with the specials the hookers are running on Times Square? Obama sure couldn't tell you — without calling the horn section first.
John Kelso writes for the Austin American-Statesman. E-mail: jkelso(at)statesman.com.